Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Thursday, August 1, 2013

There is a reason I am finally writing this post. I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and feel like I'm ready to finally tell my story.

The story I'm going to tell is not one very many people know. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can count the people who know this story on one hand. What I'm going to say is heavy, so fair warning. I'm not looking for a pity party and I'm not fishing for compliments. This is a real story that I hope will help someone else.

Ruth was born in March of 2011. I was so excited to be a mom...to be HER mom, and I was happy as a clam. For about a week.

Ruth didn't want to nurse. She only did for about a week, at which point I reached a level of frustration with the whole thing that I decided I'd rather bottle feed, than be angry all the time. I went back to work 3 weeks after she was born. And it all went downhill from there.

I fell into a deep depression. I don't think a lot of people knew how far I had fallen. I don't like it when people worry about me, so I kept a happy face up. I faked and lied my way through daily conversations about how I was doing. I struggled to get out of bed each morning. I had a hard time encouraging myself to eat. I was always sad. Always crying when no one was looking. I had panic attacks periodically. I eventually reached a point where I had fleeting thoughts of ending my own life. It began one morning on my way to work, where a scary little voice told me how easy it would be to run off the road. Again, I said it would be heavy. I let myself have those thoughts for a week or so before I told Tyson.

In the midst of the depression, I was also dealing with some serious body issues. I didn't realize how much a baby can change a woman's body. I thought I would be back to pre-pregnant me after a few weeks. I was very wrong. I was stretched out, my hips had spread, I had ugly purple lines all over my belly.

I felt fat. And ugly.

Tyson and I talked, and we decided I needed to get off birth control. I thought that would help me balance out. I went off the week before Ruth's first birthday.

It was amazing. Within DAYS I was feeling human again. I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I didn't want to end my life.

But I still hated my body.

I got pregnant with Ruby in April of 2012. Again, I was so excited to be having another little person at our house. I knew what to expect.

Or so I thought.

The week before Halloween, I starting having contractions. 4 an hour for 6 hours. I went to the hospital and they tested for an enzyme that is released when the body is preparing for labor. They were certain it would come back negative, so they sent us home. Not ten minutes after we got home, they called saying that it came back positive.

The next morning, I went to the doctor and received a steroid shot to help her lungs develop and was ordered to "take it easy."

I worked up until the day she was born. She was born in January, on a very cold day. And I was so happy again.

And this time, that happy feeling lasted.

But I still hated my body.

Friends and acquaintances left and right were having babies. And looking like they had never been pregnant in the first place. They were out running 5K's and marathons a month after they had given birth. They looked fresh-faced. They had muscle. They had flat tummies. They were skinny.

"So and so has lost so much weight since she had her baby!"
"Look how great she looks! You'd never know she just had a baby!"
"She's so skinny! How lucky!"

And then I looked in the mirror and realized no one would be saying those things about me. I haven't lost much of the weight. I don't look great. I don't look skinny. In fact, most mornings I'd avoid looking in the mirror. The days that I did venture a glance left me feeling low for the rest of the day.

Who is this monster of a woman looking back at me? Look at her stretched out belly. Look at her hips. Look at the ugly purple lines running up and down her calves, her thighs, her belly, her upper arms. (My pregnancy with Ruby had me very swollen the last month.) Look at all of the imperfections that define who she is.

But.

I don't want them to define who I am anymore. I want them to define what I did.

I grew a baby. I grew TWO babies. I spent 18 months total sustaining life. I brought two someone's into this world, who hadn't existed before. I'm helping my husband get through school. I work full time.

Everyone says there's always time to go work out. And I feel so embarrassed when I'm told that's what I should be doing.

But.

I'm working full time. By the time I get home at night, all I want to do is be with my girls. I'd rather hear Ruby's new laugh and Ruth's new words than lift weights. I'd rather color than swim laps. I'd rather read story after story after story than go running.

I'm beginning to love my new body. I will never fit into the jeans I wore in high school. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I like my new jeans. The ones with the spit-up stains from Ruby and the leftover PB&J from Ruth's dinner. The ones that have held sick babies through the night. The ones who have missed a wash or two to make sure the kid's clothes get washed first. They fit better. They fit ME better.

Those purple lines will never go away, but I've EARNED those stripes.

Looking back, I don't remember much of the first year of Ruth's life. I was too deep in my sadness. And that breaks my heart. Those are days, weeks, months that I can't get back.

But.

I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I love my Ruth and my Ruby. I love Tyson. They love me back, even though a lot of the time I don't deserve it. I am learning to be comfortable in my new skin. This is a tough lesson for me to learn, but I WILL get there.

12 comments:

Sara said...

Thanks for sharing Tara. Bodies are a hard subject for most women (me included), and I wish it wasn't so. I loved at article that you posted earlier today.

Sara said...

Thanks for sharing Tara. Bodies are a hard subject for most women (me included), and I wish it wasn't so. I loved at article that you posted earlier today.

Brandon, McKell & Ryker said...

Thanks for sharing. It is one of those things that you wish people would give you a heads up about and no one talks about it. You are brave and amazing.

Pam said...

Darling Tara; Thank you for being brave and strong! Depression is often the 'elephant in the room' that no one talks about.

I have been singing (in my head) all week, the words, "In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that the eye can't see..." These words apply to just about everyone I know. I think that's why it's so critically important that we be kind to everyone we meet. We just never know what someone is dealing with at any moment in time.

You have been in my prayers since the day I met you. You are so very loved.

Heather said...

Thank you for sharing, Tara. I'll be sure to keep you in my thoughts. My name is Heather and I have a question about your blog that I was hoping you could answer :-) Please email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com

MGC JOBS said...

Best Whishes for you.....
Best Online Directory Chek This know more.
For get Free job Alert On your mobile Register here.
Jobs in Kerala
Jobs in India
Part time Jobs
School contact Numbers
Police Aid Post Contact Numbers
Free Online Directory
Free online Jobs
Thank you.

Brandy Jiang said...


FIFA 15 Coins,just take a look here FIFA 15 Coins,you will take fancy with this site all along. Welcome to buy FIFA Coins in our store through following: http://www.fifa15buy.co.uk/

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, prada handbags, oakley sunglasses cheap, kate spade outlet, oakley sunglasses, coach outlet store online, polo ralph lauren, michael kors outlet online sale, michael kors outlet, louboutin, michael kors outlet, longchamp handbags, nike shoes, coach factory outlet, air max, longchamp handbags, kate spade handbags, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton outlet stores, polo ralph lauren outlet, air max, prada outlet, coach purses, burberry outlet, nike free, jordan shoes, michael kors outlet, gucci outlet, chanel handbags, louboutin outlet, burberry outlet, tory burch outlet, true religion jeans, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin, coach outlet, louis vuitton handbags, michael kors outlet, tiffany and co, true religion jeans

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet, louboutin shoes, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, longchamp outlet, louis vuitton, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany and co, prada handbags, oakley sunglasses cheap, kate spade outlet, oakley sunglasses, coach outlet store online, polo ralph lauren, michael kors outlet online sale, michael kors outlet, louboutin, michael kors outlet, longchamp handbags, nike shoes, coach factory outlet, air max, longchamp handbags, kate spade handbags, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton outlet stores, polo ralph lauren outlet, air max, prada outlet, coach purses, burberry outlet, nike free, jordan shoes, michael kors outlet, gucci outlet, chanel handbags, louboutin outlet, burberry outlet, tory burch outlet, true religion jeans, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin, coach outlet, louis vuitton handbags, michael kors outlet, tiffany and co, true religion jeans

oakleyses said...

louis vuitton uk, air max pas cher, timberland, polo lacoste, hogan outlet, air max, longchamp, polo ralph lauren, michael kors, hollister, north face, barbour, air jordan, sac louis vuitton, true religion outlet, nike free, lululemon outlet online, nike blazer, nike roshe run, nike tn, nike free pas cher, louboutin, air force, michael kors, sac louis vuitton, vanessa bruno, ray ban sunglasses, ralph lauren, nike roshe, hollister, true religion outlet, converse pas cher, sac burberry, north face, longchamp, sac hermes, mulberry, oakley pas cher, hollister, new balance pas cher, air max, sac guess, nike huarache, vans pas cher, abercrombie and fitch, sac longchamp, ray ban pas cher, louis vuitton, nike trainers, michael kors pas cher, nike air max

oakleyses said...

nike roshe run, birkin bag, ugg, reebok outlet, uggs, lululemon outlet, canada goose, new balance shoes, p90x, ugg australia, mcm handbags, canada goose outlet, herve leger, ugg boots clearance, chi flat iron, jimmy choo outlet, canada goose jackets, marc jacobs, soccer shoes, instyler, ferragamo shoes, abercrombie and fitch, mac cosmetics, soccer jerseys, valentino shoes, giuseppe zanotti, bottega veneta, north face jackets, rolex watches, mont blanc, ghd, ugg boots, wedding dresses, insanity workout, asics running shoes, vans shoes, north face outlet, uggs outlet, babyliss pro, nfl jerseys, beats by dre, celine handbags, canada goose, ugg pas cher, ugg boots

oakleyses said...

air max, canada goose, pandora charms, montre homme, iphone 6 cases, timberland boots, converse shoes, hollister, juicy couture outlet, moncler, juicy couture outlet, lancel, moncler outlet, canada goose, converse, supra shoes, moncler, swarovski, thomas sabo, moncler, pandora charms, vans, karen millen, ugg, ralph lauren, hollister, canada goose uk, moncler, coach outlet store online, ray ban, gucci, canada goose, parajumpers, moncler, air max, hollister clothing store, louboutin, toms shoes, ugg, baseball bats, swarovski crystal, oakley, moncler, links of london, wedding dresses, louis vuitton, pandora jewelry, rolex watches