There is a reason I am finally writing this post. I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and feel like I'm ready to finally tell my story.

The story I'm going to tell is not one very many people know. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can count the people who know this story on one hand. What I'm going to say is heavy, so fair warning. I'm not looking for a pity party and I'm not fishing for compliments. This is a real story that I hope will help someone else.

Ruth was born in March of 2011. I was so excited to be a mom...to be HER mom, and I was happy as a clam. For about a week.

Ruth didn't want to nurse. She only did for about a week, at which point I reached a level of frustration with the whole thing that I decided I'd rather bottle feed, than be angry all the time. I went back to work 3 weeks after she was born. And it all went downhill from there.

I fell into a deep depression. I don't think a lot of people knew how far I had fallen. I don't like it when people worry about me, so I kept a happy face up. I faked and lied my way through daily conversations about how I was doing. I struggled to get out of bed each morning. I had a hard time encouraging myself to eat. I was always sad. Always crying when no one was looking. I had panic attacks periodically. I eventually reached a point where I had fleeting thoughts of ending my own life. It began one morning on my way to work, where a scary little voice told me how easy it would be to run off the road. Again, I said it would be heavy. I let myself have those thoughts for a week or so before I told Tyson.

In the midst of the depression, I was also dealing with some serious body issues. I didn't realize how much a baby can change a woman's body. I thought I would be back to pre-pregnant me after a few weeks. I was very wrong. I was stretched out, my hips had spread, I had ugly purple lines all over my belly.

I felt fat. And ugly.

Tyson and I talked, and we decided I needed to get off birth control. I thought that would help me balance out. I went off the week before Ruth's first birthday.

It was amazing. Within DAYS I was feeling human again. I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying. I didn't want to end my life.

But I still hated my body.

I got pregnant with Ruby in April of 2012. Again, I was so excited to be having another little person at our house. I knew what to expect.

Or so I thought.

The week before Halloween, I starting having contractions. 4 an hour for 6 hours. I went to the hospital and they tested for an enzyme that is released when the body is preparing for labor. They were certain it would come back negative, so they sent us home. Not ten minutes after we got home, they called saying that it came back positive.

The next morning, I went to the doctor and received a steroid shot to help her lungs develop and was ordered to "take it easy."

I worked up until the day she was born. She was born in January, on a very cold day. And I was so happy again.

And this time, that happy feeling lasted.

But I still hated my body.

Friends and acquaintances left and right were having babies. And looking like they had never been pregnant in the first place. They were out running 5K's and marathons a month after they had given birth. They looked fresh-faced. They had muscle. They had flat tummies. They were skinny.

"So and so has lost so much weight since she had her baby!"
"Look how great she looks! You'd never know she just had a baby!"
"She's so skinny! How lucky!"

And then I looked in the mirror and realized no one would be saying those things about me. I haven't lost much of the weight. I don't look great. I don't look skinny. In fact, most mornings I'd avoid looking in the mirror. The days that I did venture a glance left me feeling low for the rest of the day.

Who is this monster of a woman looking back at me? Look at her stretched out belly. Look at her hips. Look at the ugly purple lines running up and down her calves, her thighs, her belly, her upper arms. (My pregnancy with Ruby had me very swollen the last month.) Look at all of the imperfections that define who she is.

But.

I don't want them to define who I am anymore. I want them to define what I did.

I grew a baby. I grew TWO babies. I spent 18 months total sustaining life. I brought two someone's into this world, who hadn't existed before. I'm helping my husband get through school. I work full time.

Everyone says there's always time to go work out. And I feel so embarrassed when I'm told that's what I should be doing.

But.

I'm working full time. By the time I get home at night, all I want to do is be with my girls. I'd rather hear Ruby's new laugh and Ruth's new words than lift weights. I'd rather color than swim laps. I'd rather read story after story after story than go running.

I'm beginning to love my new body. I will never fit into the jeans I wore in high school. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I like my new jeans. The ones with the spit-up stains from Ruby and the leftover PB&J from Ruth's dinner. The ones that have held sick babies through the night. The ones who have missed a wash or two to make sure the kid's clothes get washed first. They fit better. They fit ME better.

Those purple lines will never go away, but I've EARNED those stripes.

Looking back, I don't remember much of the first year of Ruth's life. I was too deep in my sadness. And that breaks my heart. Those are days, weeks, months that I can't get back.

But.

I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I love my Ruth and my Ruby. I love Tyson. They love me back, even though a lot of the time I don't deserve it. I am learning to be comfortable in my new skin. This is a tough lesson for me to learn, but I WILL get there.

Another Pretty Good Story

Remember that time, a week ago, when I had a baby?

Monday the 14th, I woke up and said to Tyson, "I'm just not feeling awesome." I was feeling nauseas, but I was used to that. I had been feeling that way in the mornings for a week or so, and it usually went away by about 9 in the morning. So I got up, showered, decided nope, not doing my hair today, threw it in a ponytail, and finished getting ready for work. As Tyson and I headed out to the car, I said to him "You know, I wouldn't mind if my hair was in a ponytail when we have this baby. That way my hair won't look craysie in our pictures."

I dropped Tyson off at work and headed to my office. The whole way there, I kept just feeling weird, and had a harder time than usual keeping my eyes open as I drove. I was exhausted, and couldn't figure out why. I got to work, put my lunch in the fridge, and started my day at 8:00. At this point, I noticed I was having what I thought were cramps about every 3-5 minutes. I figured this is why I was exhausted, and brushed it off as having Braxton Hicks contractions. I kept working, while talking to the girls I work with who were saying that I wasn't looking so good. Still, I just brushed it off as normal pregnancy stuff.

On my lunch break, I talked to Tyson and told him I was cramping a lot, and still not feeling very good, so I told him I'd call the doctor. I called and the way their office works is you have to leave a message with your "medical question" on the medical assistant's voice mail. Well, I left a message saying I was 37 weeks pregnant and cramping every 3-5 minutes and just wondering if everything was okay. I waited for a call back. I went back to work. And waited. And waited. Still just feeling icky. Finally at 3:30, I called back and talked to the receptionist. She transferred me to the medical assistant who asked me to repeat my question. So I told the jist of things, to which she said, "You're having period-type cramps every 3-5 minutes? Those aren't Braxton Hicks, those are contractions. You should probably head to the hospital to be checked." Um.

So, I went back into work, let my manager know that I was heading home for the day, but no worries, I'm sure its nothing and I'll be back tomorrow. As I left, I called out to everyone upstairs to not judge me if I was back the next day.

I started home and called Tyson. "Hi honey, do you want to get the hospital bag ready? I'm coming to get you and we're headed over." Tyson's response: "Oh. Okay. Uh. What do we need?" I walked him through what we should take, and I came and picked him up. The whole time I'm thinking that they're just going to send me home, this is silly!

It was 4:30 once we got to the hospital and into a Labor and Delivery room, the nurse, Brooke, checked me out. I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 3. Not too shabby for a first-timer! She called the doctor who said to check on me in an hour. An hour sloooowly ticked by. She checked, and I hadn't really progressed. She called the doctor again who said to wait another hour. At this point, I was starting to feel serious pain. She checked again and I had barely barely progressed. Nurse Brooke could see that I was hurting pretty bad, so she said "I'm not going to send you home to have you come back in an hour in tears!" So she had Tyson and I walk the 4th floor of the hospital. She told us to do the old lady mall walk, you know, hard walk. She wanted us to walk for an hour. I only lasted 40 minutes before I couldn't breathe and the pain was making me see black.

We went back to our room and she checked me again. I had progressed to a 4! They were keeping me! I'm having a baby! What??

I was really really hurting, and trying really hard to not cry when they asked if I wanted my epidural. "Yes! Yes please! Does that make me a baby? I'm only at a 4." No, they said, that does not make you a baby. I got the epidural, which basically felt like I was being electrocuted, but then I experienced the sweet bliss of zero feeling from my waist down. At this point, I was shaking uncontrollably, which the nurse, now Heidi, said was from adrenaline. She laid warm blankets on me, and I was out like a light. It was now 10:00. I was checked again and was at a 5. I asked Heidi when she thought this baby was coming, to which she replied, "Probably between 1 and 2." Dang. I was in for a long night.

Then they checked me again less than an hour later. I was at a 10. That's right folks, I had progressed from a 5 to a 10 in less than an hour! They called the doctor who arrived about 15 minutes later and they started the preparations for a baby. At 11:10 they had me start pushing because baby was crowning. I did the 3 sets of pushes twice. Then I got really gaggy and almost puked. All of the sudden I'm saying "sorry! sorry!" and nearly hurling into those lovely blue bags and then out of nowhere, a baby is placed on my chest! What?? I'm done? Really? It was 11:20.

Baby Ruth was born at 11:20 pm on March 14, 2011. She weighed 6 lbs. 11 oz. and was 18.5 inches long. Born with 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes, and perfect head shape! Nice and round! She was surprisingly healthy for a baby born 3 weeks early, and passed all of the tests in the hospital. Tyson and I are loving having this little sweet thing in our lives, and are feeling incredibly blessed to have her here already!

The Home Stretch

Wellp! Here we are, week 34! Or 35. Or somewhere in between...My due date has skipped about in the last little while. My original date was April 3rd, then at the ultrasound, the tech said her head was huge (rude!) so they moved it to the 25th of March. But at my last appointment, I was measuring closer to the April 3rd date. So basically, to quote Mr. Incredible, "We'll get there when we get there!"

I'm feeling really good, and grateful to be feeling that way. So far, I haven't had any swelling unless I get too warm and I've been in pretty good health. I had a cold for about a week, which wasn't a whole lot of fun, but I got through it. The only complaint I have? These dang stretch marks. Curses! But, in an odd sort of way, I have come to terms with them. Heck, I've earned 'em! :] So even then, its not really a complaint. I know a lot of women have a hard time, and I was prepared to have a really hard time, but I feel like I have been blessed with the tender mercy of having a relatively pleasant pregnancy. Maybe this is preparing me for the inevitability of my daughter being a super girly, dancer/cheerleader, and boy crazy type of girl. :]

Tyson is doing well in school and is loving his classes. He's developed (no pun intended) a passion for black and white film photography, and loves spending time in the dark room developing the photos he's taken. I've had the opportunity to go with him the last couple of times to take interesting photos up at the State Capitol building in Salt Lake. That place is awesome! And huge. We also took my dear friend Dani's engagement pictures up there yesterday, which was a great experience for all of us.

I'm greatly anticipating the arrival of this little one. Lately, I've been feeling completely overwhelmed with the upcoming events, but I am so happy that it is happening. I'm so grateful to have a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, and feel so blessed that our Heavenly Father is entrusting us to raise one of his precious spirits. It will be a daunting task, and one that I don't feel nearly qualified for, but I am so looking forward to each moment that is to come. She's already so precious to me, and a stinker :] and I just can't wait to meet her! Well, I can. She needs to cook just a little longer, please and thanks!

And, for your viewing pleasure, this video by Julian Smith. He is hilarious. And clean. Which is not a combination easily found! Our other favorites of his are "Jellyfish," "Hot Kool Aid," "Racist Coffee," and "Malk."

We're Getting There!

I'm finally in the 3rd Trimester! Woot! I'm 30 weeks along, and I am definitely starting to feel it! I love this being pregnant thing...it was definitely hard to be happy about it whilst being sick for the time I was, but I truly am enjoying it now. Except for the fact that I can hardly bend over to put shoes on. That's not completely super. :]

Tyson got into the Photography program at BYU!!!! This is super exciting news! This means he can be taking all the classes he needs/wants to and we've got a rough estimate of how much longer he'll be in school. This semester, he's taking a black and white photography class, where he's using a film camera and will be developing pictures in a darkroom. Sweet. He's enjoying his classes thus far, and the next few years are going to be really fun for him. His business did pretty well this Christmas season as well, as they had a booth in a store at the University Mall. They sold quite a few, and it was really cool to see people interested in his work, as they are beautiful pictures.

Baby Ruth is still growing well and is very active. We like that we can actually see her moving around now, even though it sort of looks like there's an alien in my belly. She's big enough now (and I'm pretty sure she's got a personality already) that she enjoys getting right up under my rib cage while I'm sleeping and kicking as hard as her little legs can. And each time, I wake up saying "Whoa, baby!" She also has her own time schedule, which makes me laugh. A couple of weeks ago, our alarm clock didn't go off, and I started awake at 7:26 (four minutes before I usually leave for work) and did the fastest getting ready procedure of my life. Tyson had to drive me, and about halfway there, she finally woke up and started doing somersaults and kicking my internal organs, as if to say, "Um, why are you up? I'm not ready to be up." I love the little personality we've given her already.

My last doctor's appointment went well, which I was extremely happy about, because it was that glucose test. The one where you drink that nasty drink that tastes like orange soda that was left out for a week. Glorious. But I passed it, which means I don't have to do the 3 hour one. However, she also tested my Iron, and it was at a 10.8. Normal Iron content, she said, is between 11 and 12. So I'm taking an extra Iron supplement on top of my prenatal. The fact that my Iron is low is honestly not surprising. It always has been. I've tried to donate blood 4 times, and only succeeded once because my Iron was too low. And I haven't had beef since about 18 weeks along, so it has been greatly diminished.

My mom told me that while she was pregnant with me, she love love loved ice cream, and she thinks that's why I've always loved ice cream. Well, this baby is going to be the same way! I love ice cream! A couple of Saturdays ago, Tyson went skiing, so I was at home watching Law & Order: SVU and decided, "Hmm...I want ice cream." So I ate a big bowl...and then another one...and then half of one. It was awesome. I was ashamed. :]

So, all is well in the Rollins household. We love our life and we can't wait til Baby Ruth gets here in just a few short weeks!

Almost Through With Trimester Two!

I'm a poet and I wasn't even aware!

Week 23! Its crazy how time is flying...Baby Ruth is growing like mad, and moving like a fiend. She's especially active right as I'm finally relaxing for bed...she's gonna be a turkey, I can tell :] Tyson is able to feel her move and Emma and Kev felt her this last weekend while we were in Vegas!

And yes, we are naming her Ruth. Ruth Anne to be precise. :]

We spent Thanksgiving weekend in Las Vegas with my family and it was a blast! For Thanksgiving dinner, we went to the Garden Buffet in the South Pointe Hotel/Casino and man, was it delicious. And I got to eat sushi! (no fish in it, but it was still spectacular). We also got to walk through the cactus garden at Ethel M chocolate factory, which was beautiful. It was so nice to spend those days with our family.

Friday morning, Mom, Emma, and I got up and left around 6 to get in line at Jo-Ann's Fabric store, because their flannel was $1.29 a yard, which is a screaming deal. We only stood in line for about 10 minutes, and we were in the store, so we didn't completely freeze. We couldn't get a cart right away so while Mom watched for an available cart, Emma and I packed around about 10 bolts of fabric. My arms are still sore! But we finally got a cart and loaded it up with our bolts and waited for our numbers to be called. I got enough fabric to make 6 blankets :] and I will post pictures as they go!

We ended up needing to leave a day early, however, because the Storm of the Century was a few days late. It was SUPPOSED to come through on Tuesday, but decided to hang out until Sunday, so we took off on Saturday. We're extremely grateful we did though, because we woke up this morning to a thick blanket of snow.

So anyways, that's what's new in our lives. Also, Tyson submitted his portfolio for the Photography program at BYU, so keep your fingers crossed!!

Are We Going To Have Trucks or Dolls At Our House?

We had our first ultrasound today! Our baby is looking really good and healthy, which is awesome :] Baby's head is a little big, which leads the doctor to believe I'm about 20 weeks instead of 19, which puts our prospective due date at March 25th. Sweet! We got to see the little feet, and hands, and face, and the gender!

Do you wanna know what we're having?

Nah, I bet you don't....

Oh, you do?

Well...its a......

GIRL!

We are so excited!! I have to admit, I'm also extremely worried. Because here's the thing...

I have a problem...and its sorta hard for me to admit...you see...

I can't do hair.

There, I've said it and its out there! I can't do hair! I've had short hair for so long and I struggle just to put it in a ponytail! Oh my poor poor daughter...I hope and pray she has curly hair like her Daddy, that would be a tender mercy.

But other than that, I'm so excited! Oh man, to be having a daughter! A cute little girl! I already know what I want her room to look like :] Here's two of the bedding sets I really, love:

I'm also keeping my eye out for anything with forest animals...because I love deer and foxes and owls.

But anyways, we've got her name picked out, so if you would like to know that, I might tell you :] We'll see ;]

This Is A Pretty Good Story

This is pretty good story...I may or may not have stolen a bit of the title from my dear, sweet cousins Emily and Elisabeth. :]

It's not so much of a riveting and heartwarming story as theirs, but its a good story, nonetheless. (Also, I love finding ways to use that word. Its a great one!)

One day, in July, I woke up feeling very strange. I usually do feel strange, but this morning I felt extra strange. Partly because it was 6 o'clock in the morning on my day off and partly because my stomach was doing flips. Odd.

So, I decided on a whim to take one of THOSE tests. You know which ones I'm talking about.

My little drowsy head was still very groggy when the test result came up, and I had to look at it twice. I looked at the screen, then in the mirror, then back at the screen, then back at the mirror. Um.

I casually walked back into our bedroom. "Um, honey?"

Tyson (still sleeping): "Grumble grumble, huh?"

Me: "Heh. I'm pregnant."

Tyson, literally leaping out of bed: "What??"

Yep! That's the pretty good story!

We're having a baby!

Well, I'm having a baby, I mean, I'm the one who is pregnant after all. But we're going to have a baby! We're going to be parents! (Weird.)

I am basically stoked. And can't even believe how blessed we are. I mean, the fact that our Heavenly Father is entrusting us with one of His sweet spirits is incredibly humbling.

I cannot WAIT to see this little sweet bean. (This is what I lovingly refer to it right now. My little sweet bean.)

Most everyone thinks we are having a boy. (Which would be great because, well, I don't know how to do girl hair.)

Very few think we are having a girl. (Which greatly leads me to believe we are having a girl.)

I was pretty sick for about 2 months, but I'm coming out of it now, for which I am very grateful. (This baby was FREQUENTLY referred to as my little sweet bean while I was sick.)

I cannot eat beef. It basically is the most disgusting thing ever.

I love love love Cafe Rio pork. Yikes.

I also love pickles. Typical.

We have names picked out for whether it is a boy or girl. And they are normal names. And they won't be spelled weird. (Because what child wants to have to go to the first day of school for the rest of their lives and have to correct the teacher on the pronunciation of their name?)

We don't mind sharing our name choices, because frankly, I'm set on the names and nothing anyone says can change that. :]

We are very excited, and feeling very blessed to be welcoming Baby Rollins before Easter!

Also, we find out the gender of my little sweet bean on November 9th!